2025 has been the year of non-stop, life-altering transformation through realization. At least for me.
Just when I think I’ve had the last of my earth-shattering epiphanies, another one strikes—like lightning in the middle of a clear day.
Today’s lightning bolt came while I was in the shower (because, of course,). The source? An episode from one of my favorite podcasts, “Lovers”, hosted by Shan Boodram.
I first discovered Lovers in 2023, and it completely rewired how I thought about intimacy. But this recent episode? It hit differently. It felt tailor-made for my current reality.
This one featured the legendary Cree Summer—an icon from my childhood who voiced characters in Rugrats and A Different World. Hearing her speak so vulnerably was deeply moving, which is what I love about the podcast—it humanizes intimacy through conversation.
But before I get into the revelation, here’s a quick backstory.
I was raised in an extremely religious, conservative household. Conversations about intimacy were non-existent, and queer love was especially taboo. Expressing my own intimacy felt like a sin. It became something I could act out, but never speak on. That created fractures in my relationships.
It wasn’t until a former partner held up a mirror that I realized how uncomfortable I was with emotional intimacy. I had buried my own desires so deeply under shame, I no longer knew what was real.
Then came Lovers. The first episode made me squirm—and that intrigued me. Why was I so uncomfortable? Why did listening feel like breaking a rule?
Eventually, I realized I’d internalized the belief that my version of love was wrong. That realization cracked something open. From there, I began peeling back the layers. Shan’s podcast became a kind of gentle reparenting—inviting me to ask better questions, understand my desires, and reclaim my truth.
Now fast-forward to today’s episode with Cree. She spoke about the need for space and freedom, even within connection. That resonated deeply. After being single for nearly seven years, I’ve come to cherish my solitude—but I’ve also learned that freedom and intimacy are not mutually exclusive.
Cree also explored the idea that love doesn’t have to look a certain way to be real. That sometimes, we block intimacy because we’re still clinging to an idea of how it should feel. That hit.
At the end of the episode, Shan mentioned an earlier interview with Lena Waithe, so I immediately watched it. That’s when the deeper realization landed:
We often don’t trust our own feelings—not because they’re wrong, but because our trauma trained us not to.
In Lena’s words (paraphrased): many of us live in fear when it comes to intimacy. We gaslight ourselves into (or out of) connections because we don’t feel safe to fully trust what we’re feeling.
And it’s true. I’ve done it.
Through disappointment, I’d started doubting my own emotional compass. I’d confuse fear with intuition, trauma with truth.
But here’s the thing—my feelings have never been wrong.
What distorted them was the mind—the fear, the expectations, the past pain trying to protect me from repeating itself.
Now I know the difference.
Now I move from an open heart, not a wounded one. Because I trust that my heart won’t steer me wrong.
So I’ll ask you:
Are you trusting your feelings or your trauma?
And when did you realize the difference?
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